far away - ~*~CaItLIn's JoUrNaL~*~
Sep. 26th, 2006
02:40 pm - far away
so i dont know what to do or think ne more....and it sucks....2 weeks ago i went home and my mom said that if i wanted i can come home after the semester and go to school and home....GREAT right....well thats what i thought....but we really havnt tlaked about it for real....so i applied at another school....which i'm 90% sure i'll get in...and i donno i shoudl be really happy....but people here just make me feel bad for it...my friend is mad like for real mad at me for leaveing...and my ex bf called me stupid....not a big suprize there....and i kno wthey are prolly not happy htat im going ot leave but if im really THIS unhappy than they should be ok with me going home....i really feel like if i stay here my mental health would suffer greatly...it already has...but i feel like it will get worse...and if i go home i can get a job save money and i donno.....like it so wierd b/c im away at school and should be having th ebest time of my life....yet what i look foward to the most is going home on the weekends....ok....i think not....but i think that if i go home i will be letting people donw...and i HATE that feeling....like i hate when people are dissapointed in me....so do i live with that feeling or do i stay here and hope things will ge tbetter.....like i donno....and i'm not writeing this hopeing someone will read this and be like oh!!! i have a answer to your problem...i need somewhere to really just vent...and i wrote my dad an e-mail about how im feeling about the whole school thing and i started crying....just thinking about how upset i am make me cry.... or should i ignore everything and just get through it...i mean i know thats not good either...and i know life isnt perfect...but like going home i would live at home for the second semester and the summer then i would get an apartment...and i know people are like ummm how is that different it just is....because yes i love being hom and yes i love my mom and dad doing EVERYTHING for me....and i know people think thats why i want to go home...but really i want to be on my own...but i want to e on my own closer to home...i would want to have an apartment like 1/2-45 mins away from my house...so if i needed to go home i could...i dont like being 2hrs away...its not fun...and like for real i went home on weekend and didnt want to tell people i was home i wanted to just hang out with my mom and dad....and i even pulled weeds so i could just be with them... i told my mom and dad that i feel like conor gets more attention b/c he is home and they weill forget about me..and i know that is not true but thats how i feel....and it sucks......i donno.....and my mom wants me to talk to someone about all my annixety which whatever i dont care..... but thats all i really have to say.....